Another Year

Nearly a month has passed since the start of 2014.

New year, fresh start; the literature is usually a good record of our need, as people, for blank slates.

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” 
― L.M. Montgomery

“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end. (Jo March)” 
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

As I contemplate the previous year that passed, I get a certain feeling of peace knowing that even the hardest of times, hardships, mistakes, they all become life’s best moments, your most treasured lessons.

But even reflexion has its limits. That may be the bigger lesson from 2013, that even introspection can’t bring the answers you seek to find. Sometimes, the only peace to be found is by letting go of all expectations, and relinquishing the need to figure everything out.

There is something to be said about letting sleeping dogs lie.

Time and time again I’ve struggled with finding certainty. You could say I’m a control freak. Maybe. Perhaps. You could say I have a mild intolerance to its polar opposite, my arch-nemesis, uncertainty.

I live for knowing. It may explain choices I’ve made in life; the whys of my working in the field of research… (the thing they don’t tell you before you start however, is how you scarcely ever know anything. Wish they’d told me that at the beginning of my masters, I’d have felt a lot less foolish to find out afterwards). But I keep on endlessly seeking for resolution wherever I may find it, as long as it is one step closer to comprehending life’s truths. The Truth. With a big “T” and all…

I mean… Wouldn’t it be neat to have all the answers? To know that when you give all of yourself to an endeavour, your efforts will be rewarded with result? Or that when you give out your heart to a person, they’ll feel the same way?

But maybe it’s the chase I enjoy the most; the journey, not the destination.

And anyhow, that’s not how life is. Maybe that’s the beauty of it. Maybe the passion that drives us everyday holds its bearing within the unresolved aspect of it all… If we knew in advance which endeavour will succeed and which will fail, would we feel the need to try at all? Maybe there’s something to be said about the wonderful effect of surprise, about its power to reveal the genius, the resilience within us. It was Eleanor Roosevelt who once said: “A woman is like a tea bag. You don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water”. And maybe, on the other hand, by letting sleeping dogs lie, by not always digging deeper, we’re only given what we are ready for. Maybe certainties are meant to come in their own time; once you realize they’re nowhere to be found outside… but created from within.

It was time for me to make peace with uncertainty, to finally make it my friend.

“Certein bodies… become luminous when heated. Their luminosity disappears after some time, but the capacity of becoming luminous afresh through heat is restored to them by the action of a spark, and also by the action of radium.” 
― Marie Curie

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