Here’s the thing: I think this is the first time I’m really happy.
It’s hard to explain… Nothing was reached per say; no major achievement or big promotion, no new boyfriend in sight. I’m just happy, and my surroundings are irrelevant to that.
In the last two years I’ve been searching for an answer without actually being able to formulate an initial question. My life felt like a puzzle with a missing piece and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around what it might be or where it was. I just knew something felt off without knowing what could be.
It’d be nice to have an actual reason to explain things, but the truth is there’s nothing discrete or measurable. I just know that I’ve changed. I don’t think the same way, I don’t express myself like I used to. I’ve stopped hating myself for the things that I’m not. I think I’ve learned to ‘let it be’.
Objectively speaking, this is a pretty stressful time in my life, with this huge exam to pass and a thesis to finish, and that’s setting aside my other research work, athletic training and social engagements… But I’m surprisingly calm… calm-er. I guess this is the first time I feel ‘balanced’. This is the first time the ground doesn’t feel like it’ll collapse under my feet. Except… Leaving it to that isn’t quite right either, because it’s more than that… It’s not survival, I feel serene, like I’ve finally accepted myself, like I don’t have to be anything more to earn my own approval. I’m finally breathing. I’m finally living.
Maybe it’s something typical of one’s twenties…
In any case, I’m happy.