The people I love, I want to carry them with me; through every experience, through every big moment, through every start. I wish they could see what I see and feel what I feel. I wish they could be right here by my side, inside my mind, share my thoughts with no explanations needed.
I wish I could carry the people I love inside my suitcases; better than pictures and knick-knacks… But an essence of person is so much harder to bottle. I have boxes of souvenirs and papers-most I never look at- but I can’t bring every person I love with me on every journey. At some point we have to part.
Sometimes my mind is filled with memories. I think about conversing over Turkish coffee with my grandfather, wondering what would be his thoughts on my pursuing a PhD, what advice he could give me since he’s the only one I used to know to have gone over this experience twice. He could tell me about the involvement of one self, of every resource into a single goal. I know he’d be the only one to understand all that it means to me. Then, I think about Yannick’s easy laugh and his teasing over my bookworm tendencies, how he used to tell me to ‘live a little’, take a risk, take a chance. I think about Micheline and jasmine tea, and mushroom risotto and cake experiments… I think of two young French archeologists conquering the world somewhere in the South of France and all the glasses of scotch and movie projections we used to have about a year ago. Lastly, there is some room inside my mind to think of a friend who wasn’t one, but who I can’t seem to stop thinking about anyway. I wish they were all with me… But life goes on; life goes on so fast and there is no going back.
Moving forward means the loss of reference points. I read somewhere that the only way you know you’re walking towards your future is through feeling lost, through losing all kinds of anchors. ‘Letting go’ is thus an appropriate expression; it’s meaningful when you come to think of it, and it’s not supposed to be easy to do.
So I march straight ahead into the wilderness… but somehow I know I’ll never truly be without the people I love, as I stubbornly carry them all in the suitcases of my mind and of my heart.